Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Expecting a child who already exists is surreal. I go about my days aware that a person in our family is missing. A couple days ago I got a burst of energy and cleaned out the closets upstairs for no reason. Albeit outside of my body, there is a child growing and preparing to be my daughter and I, her mom.

I am pregnant with hope and anticipation.

This pregnancy will last for a while, maybe even longer than nine months. And right now I feel just as unsure and unprepared and scared as I did awaiting my other three daughters.

The time is needed so that when she comes we will be ready.

For now I am in my first trimester. The fact that another child will be joining our family is as flat to me as a woman's stomach in the first twelve weeks. I am willing growth in myself much like a pregnant woman wills her stomach to expand in order to believe the reality of her situation: a child.

I think I'll go clean something else, sign a few more papers for the adoption and then spend a little time daydreaming about the day she comes home.