Tuesday, June 16, 2009

A few thoughts...

Today when I woke up I must have looked like I felt, because Sergei told me that I needed to stay home today from visiting Evie, that he and Lainie and Zoya would do the Metro and bus thing and visit her today. On one hand I felt guilty and a tinge of sadness that I won't see her today and on the other hand I was relieved because, well, I'm tired lol! So after breakfast my brave little family took off to trek out to Vorzel and I am having a quiet, slow paced morning and gearing up for some more meetings with friends this afternoon and tonight. I will definitely be out to see Evie the rest of the week.

Since I have time to catch my breath this morning I wanted to share a bit more about meeting Evie. Back in the States I tried to prepare myself; realizing that Evie has been in an orphanage for two and a half years and that she probably is more delayed then Polly (obviously). Friends and family would ask me about her, how delayed is she? Does she have any medical issues? Can they tell yet if she's 'high functioning'? I would confidently answer that of course, we are expecting her more delayed due to her upbringing so far and I'd also try to educate people that individuals with Down syndrome are just that; individual, therefore we can't really place them in boxes of functionality etc...it's not fair to do it, especially in Evie's case when she as of yet has not had the benefits of therapy and better health care. It was so easy for me to talk openly and confidently about this from across the ocean.

And then I met her. My heart pulled my body towards her when we met; that's for sure. When her care-giver brought her into the room my arms automatically reached up for her before my brain could even think it. The first day was magical, but I also noticed she can't sit up for very long, that her muscle tone is low, that she is not speaking, that she'll keep eye contact only for short intervals. My confident speeches were forgotten and honestly, I got a little scared.

I was so angry with myself for feeling this way. I was ashamed. All along, this adoption, coming back to Ukraine for Evie has been kind of a redemption of sorts for me. Most of you know when I had Polly it took almost a year for me to really bond with her and to see passed disability and fear, instead to accept her love and the joy and promise she brings to my life.

This time was going to be different.


This time I was not going to get scared, I was going to keep my wits about me; realizing that Evie will probably be a completely different person a year from now, after the utilization of therapy and medical care, after the constant kiss on her brow from a mother. This time I was going to accept her right away and pour on the love and stay grounded in the knowledge of what's to come.

But alas, I've already had a few doubts, she is unsure of me and I guess, I am unsure of her.

I am not unsure of adopting her. I am already claiming the stake in the ground God has given me...and I know with time, as we get to know each other, whatever fear I have will be poured into the melting pot of emotions that cooks love between a mother and her child.

I am escatic that we are here adopting Evie. But I also wanted to make sure you are aware of all the emotions going into this. It's not easy...it can definitely be scary to meet your child for the first time, this little person you have idealized in your head still has stinky diapers and still needs lots of help to reach her God-given potential. I am still going to wrestle with fear and doubt because I am human. And I am still going to stay close to Jesus and the promises he's given me, that perfect love casts out fear, because I am his, adopted into God's family like we are adopting Evie...I am sure God saw way less potential in me when he brought me home with him.